Advice to the Young Ladies,
Or, Things I Learned In the Store.
Having reached the advanced age of 35, I feel this entitles me to dole out advice concerning certain patterns of behavior I have noticed over the past three years among the whippersnapper set. I know that a lot of you do not like to listen to your elders on the grounds that we spoil all your fun, and that may be true, but I think these points are extremely important ones, and maybe some of the other geezers will back me up.
1.) Thing One:
If your boyfriend insists on anal sex even when he knows it's hurting you, he does not love you.
In fact, he doesn't even like you that much, and all the Anal-Eze in the world isn't going to change that. Any man who tells you he will cheat on you unless you allow him to hurt you is an unqualified prick, and I promise you, you are worth more than this. I see this phenomenon way more among the African-American young ladies than any other race, and since the AIDS virus is spreading the most rapidly in young, straight, African-American women, I want you to know that my heart is in the right place when I beg you to PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP ENGAGING IN SEX WITH A MAN WHO IS MAKING YOU BLEED.
2.) Thing Two:
If you are 19, you do not want to date a 40 year old man.
I know you describe him as "really together," and will think I'm crazy or jealous or having an outbreak of fat suburban housewife anxiety for saying this, but I, his peer, describe him as "manipulative loser." He comes across to you as being really together because he has more life experience than you do, and more money, and sure, he's better in bed than the kid who took you to the prom, but...you're not listening anymore, are you? Forget it, then. You'll see. But just like a 19-year-old who hangs out exclusively with 11-year-olds, 40-year-olds who party with people less than half their age are wincingly pathetic and are just using you to disguise the fact that it hurts him *really* *bad* that those Silver Fox life insurance plans advertised on tv are starting to include him now.
3.) Thing Three, and this one is for the White young ladies:
Stop bringing your boyfriend to your job interviews.
Do I really have to tell you this? I do, and I can't believe it. How can you possibly think it's a good idea for your boyfriend to insert himself into YOUR job interview and start blathering on to me about himself? I'm not interviewing him, I'm interviewing YOU. I want to hear what YOU have to say. I don't give a flying fuck about him. I don't care if he's cute. I don't care if he's funny. I don't care if he's cool. I don't care if he can get me some really primo X. I don't care what he thinks about anything.
I'm not interviewing you to be your friend, so your boyfriend is completely irrelevant. I'm interviewing you to be your boss, so what I want to see is someone who is neatly dressed, polite, intelligent, and is willing to promise me that she will show up to work that way on a regular basis. If your boyfriend is yammering on and on about how the two of you had to leave Knoxville, Tennessee, because he kept getting arrested, there is no way in hell I'm going to hire you. If everytime I ask you an interview question, and your boyfriend answers it for you, there is no way in hell I'm going to hire you. If your boyfriend does not directly insert himself into the interview, but makes a point of shrieking "AWWWWWW SHIT!!!!!!" over various products every two minutes, I am not going to hire you.
Look at it this way: In Thomas Frank's* book What's the Matter with Kansas?, he describes an interview he had with Kansas state representative and total right-wing lunatic Kay O'Connor. O'Connor was waxing on in her office about the importance of women's subservience and her odd views on women's suffrage, when the Pant-Wearing Mr. O'Connor walked into the room. The minute he noticed that the genetically inferior Mrs. O'Connor was giving an interview, he murmured a quiet apology and backed out of the room. He did not come back in again.
Even a fundamentalist lunatic husband does not interfere with the interview process. Your dense, irritating boyfriend is costing you money. Leave his ass at home with the Playstation.
______________________________
*Thanks to those who pointed out that I wrote "Frank Rich" instead of "Thomas Frank." Between Frank Rich, Thomas Frank, and Frank Thomas I am guaranteed to get them confused regularly. Thank God they didn't all play for the White Sox.
Or, Things I Learned In the Store.
Having reached the advanced age of 35, I feel this entitles me to dole out advice concerning certain patterns of behavior I have noticed over the past three years among the whippersnapper set. I know that a lot of you do not like to listen to your elders on the grounds that we spoil all your fun, and that may be true, but I think these points are extremely important ones, and maybe some of the other geezers will back me up.
1.) Thing One:
If your boyfriend insists on anal sex even when he knows it's hurting you, he does not love you.
In fact, he doesn't even like you that much, and all the Anal-Eze in the world isn't going to change that. Any man who tells you he will cheat on you unless you allow him to hurt you is an unqualified prick, and I promise you, you are worth more than this. I see this phenomenon way more among the African-American young ladies than any other race, and since the AIDS virus is spreading the most rapidly in young, straight, African-American women, I want you to know that my heart is in the right place when I beg you to PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP ENGAGING IN SEX WITH A MAN WHO IS MAKING YOU BLEED.
2.) Thing Two:
If you are 19, you do not want to date a 40 year old man.
I know you describe him as "really together," and will think I'm crazy or jealous or having an outbreak of fat suburban housewife anxiety for saying this, but I, his peer, describe him as "manipulative loser." He comes across to you as being really together because he has more life experience than you do, and more money, and sure, he's better in bed than the kid who took you to the prom, but...you're not listening anymore, are you? Forget it, then. You'll see. But just like a 19-year-old who hangs out exclusively with 11-year-olds, 40-year-olds who party with people less than half their age are wincingly pathetic and are just using you to disguise the fact that it hurts him *really* *bad* that those Silver Fox life insurance plans advertised on tv are starting to include him now.
3.) Thing Three, and this one is for the White young ladies:
Stop bringing your boyfriend to your job interviews.
Do I really have to tell you this? I do, and I can't believe it. How can you possibly think it's a good idea for your boyfriend to insert himself into YOUR job interview and start blathering on to me about himself? I'm not interviewing him, I'm interviewing YOU. I want to hear what YOU have to say. I don't give a flying fuck about him. I don't care if he's cute. I don't care if he's funny. I don't care if he's cool. I don't care if he can get me some really primo X. I don't care what he thinks about anything.
I'm not interviewing you to be your friend, so your boyfriend is completely irrelevant. I'm interviewing you to be your boss, so what I want to see is someone who is neatly dressed, polite, intelligent, and is willing to promise me that she will show up to work that way on a regular basis. If your boyfriend is yammering on and on about how the two of you had to leave Knoxville, Tennessee, because he kept getting arrested, there is no way in hell I'm going to hire you. If everytime I ask you an interview question, and your boyfriend answers it for you, there is no way in hell I'm going to hire you. If your boyfriend does not directly insert himself into the interview, but makes a point of shrieking "AWWWWWW SHIT!!!!!!" over various products every two minutes, I am not going to hire you.
Look at it this way: In Thomas Frank's* book What's the Matter with Kansas?, he describes an interview he had with Kansas state representative and total right-wing lunatic Kay O'Connor. O'Connor was waxing on in her office about the importance of women's subservience and her odd views on women's suffrage, when the Pant-Wearing Mr. O'Connor walked into the room. The minute he noticed that the genetically inferior Mrs. O'Connor was giving an interview, he murmured a quiet apology and backed out of the room. He did not come back in again.
Even a fundamentalist lunatic husband does not interfere with the interview process. Your dense, irritating boyfriend is costing you money. Leave his ass at home with the Playstation.
______________________________
*Thanks to those who pointed out that I wrote "Frank Rich" instead of "Thomas Frank." Between Frank Rich, Thomas Frank, and Frank Thomas I am guaranteed to get them confused regularly. Thank God they didn't all play for the White Sox.
posted by flea at 3/29/2005 06:37:00 AM
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