Another Anal Sex Lecture From Flea.

I am sick again. I am sick AGAIN. Two months' worth of pneumonia was not enough, because again I am on the Dayquil. While Dayquil does what it promises, which is to clear up my sinuses and alleviate a cough, it also seems to be throwing in an extra little side effect, which I can not find listed as a warning anywhere on the label. I don't think we need to go into any specific details about what this side effect may be, but let me just say that over the past two days I have come to understand completely how this guy must have felt.

When I tell people to make sure they invest in a toy specifically designed for anal sex for their butt play needs, a good silicone toy with a wide, flared base, a lot of people are inclined to dismiss me as trying to separate them from more of their money than is necessary.

"But flea," they say, "what are the odds something's going to get sucked up there and stuck?"

I have no idea what the odds are, I reply, but who wants to take the chance? And besides, nothing is less sexy than a spontaneous and necessary decision to take the party to the ER. Where the ER doctors and nurses will put your feet in stirrups, childbirthing style, and dialate your anus to extract with forceps whatever you stuck up there. And then they'll tell all their friends and relatives, and post pictures on the internet.

A lot of people are inclined to dismiss me as being a scaremonger. I am vindicated!*

I'm not suggesting that doctors are posting reports of how you gave yourself a concrete enema up on the internet out of some sort of spiteful glee. No, that's just a side benefit. They do it because sharing information about unusual cases is how lives get saved. Remember that Oprah story about the man who got a 10" hunting knife buried to the hilt in his skull? The first thing the head ER doctor did when she realized he was alive was get on the internet and the phone and search everywhere she could think of for a similar case she could follow. There wasn't one, so she had to wing it.** That must have been unfathomably stressful.

Thus endeth my 50th lecture on the avoidance of sticking dumb shit upeth your ass.

I was going end this post by providing a link to a photograph of a doctor holding a red potato and a jar of Welch's grape jelly, but decided to show mercy. Maybe next time.

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*Concrete poo! And did you notice the part of the text about how there was a PING PONG BALL INSIDE THE PIECE OF CONCRETE POO?

Some people are not to be believed. Have you ever wondered why there are all these stupid warning labels all over everything? It's because of people like this. Next time you're at Home Depot, check for a warning label on bags of concrete that read, "Do not mix up and insert into anus."

**She sawed a hole in his skull around the knife blade so the skull wouldn't shatter and just pulled the whole thing out. The man not only lived, but suffered no discernible brain damage or vision loss and went home within a week.