Oh, Shit! I Have a Blog!

And a contest that was up and running! Pardon me.

Once again, I lost internet access over the weekend. (I love you, too, SBC!) This time, instead of weeping over the black computer screen, I threw the kids in the car and drove to a local farm that sold vegetable seedlings, and we spent three days tearing up the back yard and putting in a vegetable garden and a rabbit-proof fence. Now I am completely obsessed with the garden, and run outside before coffee every morning to see what damage those fucking birds have done, with their pointy beaks picking out my pea seeds and their flat knobby feet stomping on my pansies, the rat bastards.

I have already trained the boys to chase the birds out of the garden. They have adapted to this very well, screaming their scripted line at the top of their lungs, "GIT OFF MAH LAND! GIT OFF MAH LAND!"

I think I'm going to have to buy them shotguns, overalls, and straw hats.

I'll try to keep the garden talk to a minimum, but I anticipate difficulty in that regard.

Now, on to the contest results, which I said I was going to post the contest results for over the weekend, but I didn't! Because I have a new garden! I know all ten of you have been in agony over for a week about this, and I am very, very sorry.

With this contest, I decided to be a difficult stickler about things, and force you all to read my mind. And darned if someone didn't do exactly that, so now I feel vindicated and will not listen to reason.

Okay, so: the contest winner is the mysteriously-named "C," who guessed "Rabbit sleeve, bullet vibe, and batteries."

Congratulations, C.! Send me an e-mail with your address, and you will receive these lovely items.

Speaking of lovely items, look at the new bath product line we have! I am very excited about the Jaqua Girls line. I don't know how Jaqua Girls gets their stuff to smell so incredibly good. I suspect it's another case of Better Living Through Chemicals, but I just don't care. My favorite product of theirs, the Buttercream Frosting Body Butter, smells so good, just like cake frosting, in fact, that I ate some.

I do not recommend this.



There is also a pumpkin face mask that smells like pumpkin pie.



At least once a week, I go into my garage and stare lustfully at my bath products. I stand in a garage filled with sex toys, but what I fantasize about is turning my body into a piece of pumpkin pie with buttercream frosting. I think I should find this more disturbing than I actually do.

I have lots more new stuff from Jaqua Girls, all equally delicious. Start here and scroll past the Cake Beauty stuff.

Oh, and I also have this new book:



Marjane Satrapi, who wrote the excellent autobiographical graphic novels Persepolis I and Persepolis II, detailing her life in post-Revolutionary Iran, is back with a novel where she spills the dirt on the sex lives of Iranian women. She is, as usual, riveting, describing both the joys of love and the dangers of sex for Iranian women with both poignancy and dry wit.

Garden, check.

Contest, check.

Store business, check.

I'll come back tomorrow and tell you about either the total weirdo that works at the Porn Superstore, things from the e-mail bag, what's going on with the play, or Alex's latest psychiatric diagnosis. You pick. Which would you rather hear about? Don't feel like you have to be polite and ask about Alex. I'll get to him this week either way.