Only Women Are Allowed to Read This Post.

Attention, women! I have extremely important information to give you that cannot wait! We can't let men know we have this information, so don't tell them!

Are they gone? Is it just us?

Whew, okay. Here we go:


The last time I bought a copy of O Magazine, it was as a present for my friend Julie, who was in the hosptial for a couple of days for the extraction of her second child. Having recently been in the hospital myself for the same reason, I knew that the majority of time would involve being awakened by the staff for so many different reasons that eventually you just give up and need something to read. What the hospital provides in the way of magazines are limited mostly to Golfer's Digest and three-year-old copies of Field & Stream. On my way to the hospital I stopped by Barnes & Noble and picked her up copies of Fangoria, Soldier of Fortune, Playgirl, and Tiger Beat, because I thought it would be funny for the nursing staff to walk in on her thumbing through any one of those. Then I considered that she might want something she would actually be interested in reading, rather than limiting herself to my sick desire to see a brand new mother cradling a suckling babe in her arm while contemplating ads for hit men in SoF's classified section. So I threw in the latest issue of O.*

That was, hm, Christopher wasn't born yet, so let's say 3½-4 years ago. It was time to buy another one, and thanks to Orange, I knew that Jon Stewart was going to be interviewed in this issue. This is a good a reason as any to buy, so I sat down on Tuesday night to receive the good, long boost to my self-esteem that I knew O would provide me.

And, Oh, my god.

O Magazine.

Does our patriarchal government know about this magazine? If so, why haven't they supressed it? Because here, within the pages of this glorious magazine, are secrets that will forever change the way you look at men**!

Not only is God's Greatest Gift to Women®, Dr. Phil, gracing us with his wisdom on page 42,*** but starting on page 207, a dozen or so men have agreed to betray their own gender by telling us how to get along with them better! O frabjous day!

And here's the best part - oh, you'll love me forever for this - I have an actual man that lives in my house to practice on! And I did! I practiced the wisdom I learned on him! Now we all can benefit!

The major article was written by a W. Bruce Cameron. Entitled "How to Get Through to a Man," it promises to "let us in on a few proven strategies." Trying to preempt the strident natterings from man-haters, he trumps us them by saying, "You may call it manipulation - we call it applied psychology."

The article was broken up into helpfully titled sections. Each title was a bit of dialogue us ladies can use for the purposes of psychological application.

Section One.

Section One tells us that when men have troubles, such as a personal crisis or a setback at work, they don't want us to be sympathetic. Although our first instinct may be to soothe him or bake him a pie,**** we should instead compliment his manly strength in handling the situation. DO NOT, under any circumstances, invite him to express emotion. THIS IS WRONG. Instead, you are to admire how much like John Wayne he is, how stoic and brave in the face of pain.

This week, Steve's sister Debbie called with a personal family crisis. What good fortune for me! This was a perfect opportunity to use the bit of dialogue provided to me by W. Bruce Cameron. I decided a little physical contact was called for here as well, so I chose to accentuate Cameron's words with an admiring squeeze to his bicep.

Well, okay! I waited in the kitchen with the magazine until Steve came in for a beer. Then I made my move, sidling up to him and murmuring the key phrase of Section One:

"You're so strong."

He gave me a suspicious look.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Shit, refer to text, refer to text....Ah!

"You're handling this with such strength."

"I'm handling what? What is the matter with you?"

"Debbie! Debbie!"

"Oh." Pause, then, "How much beer have you had? It's not even two o'clock."

This doesn't seem to be working. Better move on.

Section Two.

Section Two is the part where we learn how to get men to do shit around the house, since Cameron tells us that men aren't going to lift a finger unless you convince them that the situation desperately needs their unique masculine brilliance to solve a problem that you, as a woman nevereverever could. Never.

By this time Steve was sitting at the kitchen table, eyeing me warily. I forged ahead, flipping on the light overhead. One of the bulbs had burned out. Aha!

"Oh!" I cried, my voice a shocked, helpless mewl of distress. "Oh, help! Help! What shall I do! I flipped on the lightswitch, and the light didn't go on! What has happened? I don't understand! Steve, Steve! There is a problem that needs solving. Will you be in charge of of solving the problem??*****

"The lightbulb?"

"Oh, ha ha ha! Is that what the problem is? Gosh, I can help you with that! I love to be your helper! Let me get you a new lightbulb."

By this time he had snatched the magazine out of my hands and was skimming over it, mumbling, "Please tell me this is a joke. This is a joke, right?"

The children, delighted by Mommy's over the top melodrama, joined in and began shrieking, "Daddy, change the lightbulb! Change the lightbulb, Dad! Dad! Why haven't you fixed the lightbulb! It's broken Dad, you've got to fix it! Dad! Dad!!!!"

They went on like that until he got up and changed the lightbulb to shut them up.

So section two actually worked.

Section Three we didn't do because the kids were around and all the simpering I was doing had the odd effect of making me not want to be a pricktease for half an hour before letting him fuck me, as per W. Cameron Bruce's instructions. However, if you choose to go this route, it is important to be totally submissive in bed. W. Cameron Bruce is concerned that Steve might think I'm easy. I don't want Steve to think I'm easy, so I'm hoping he's forgotten the times he saw my vagina dialated to ten centimeters. I'm so embarrassed about not wanting to keep my legs closed then. I hope he doesn't think passing another man out my birth canal is slutty. Bruce mentions the importance of always letting the man initiate sex at least twice, so I guess blowjobs are out from now on, as that might be too much activity on my part. But as I said, after all this bowing, scraping, and slimy manipulation, I really didn't want to do anything but lie on my back and think of that old Nastase/Connors tennis match from the 1976 U.S. Open, anyway.


Section Four

"You're 100 Percent Correct."

This is the part where W. Cameron Bruce teaches us that, during an argument, women should agree one hundred percent with every single thing a man says, then insist on doing it our way anyway. Why? Beats me, except that Bruce calls it "rope-a-dope," which he then smirkingly goes on to tell us that while he knows we have no idea what the "rope" part means, he sure bets we know the "dope" part is our man! Ha! Ha! Yeah! He's a dopey man! Ha! And we want our mothers to come live with us for a month cause we want it! So there! [Seriously, by this point I can't believe he didn't recommend pouting and foot-stamping. But I was skimming along, so maybe I missed it.]

Section Five

"What a Manly Sweater!"

That was the title and Steve and I both felt it wasn't necessary to read beyond that.

After that there was a helpful sidebar by Rachel Bertsche to explain to us what all men like. The list is as follows:

The Godfather movies
Poker
Cars
Sports
Steven Seagal movies
Swimsuit models

What? No Three Stooges? This list is incomplete! Oh, wait. I know what happened. Bertsche has created a problem that needs solving!

"Honey? My list needs fixing! Will you be in charge of solving this problem?"

"Why sure, Toots! You're missing Moe, Larry, and Curly!"

"Oh, you handled that problem with such strength! I might let you fuck me, but you'll have to do all the work while I just lie prone. And have I mentioned what a manly sweater you're wearing?"

That Rachel Bertsche is some kind of smart!

After that article, there were two I didn't read, then a bunch of short ones where I learned the following:

*"What a man is looking for is the reciprocal experience of desire."

Wait, what? I thought we weren't supposed to like it as much, because if we do he'll think we're sluts and he'll become impotent.

*"A male human being is closer to a male chimpanzee than he is to a female human being."******


*Men have fantasies about dying heroically, unlike women, whose fears about dying in childbirth don't count, and anyway, women don't ever think about doing anything adventurous, so shut up! Just shut up!

*Older men feel invisible. Again, totally unlike older women, who are such attention pigs! Jeez!

And then this, by Terrence Real:

The "fragile male ego" is a myth. Get over it. This is my message to women: It's propaganda that disempowers women....Men are given the message that they are supposed to be in control of things that nobody can reasonably be expected to control. These are real issues, but I don't want to let men off the hook. Men have been socialized to discount women's feelings, and too often they get away with it. For the first half of the 20th century, guys were beadwinners and women were their caretakers. These days women might have a 21st-century vision of what a relationship should be, but they've held on to a 20th-century habit: aquiescence. When women run up against a guy's unwillingness to improve a relationship, they tend to back off. It's true that if a woman pushes a man to open up, the man might get fed up and storm out. But "I don't need this crap" is not an expression of fragility. It's an expression of entitlement. And I think women should be validated in their wish for more intimacy....A smart woman shapes what goes on up front. She's not passive in the beginning, then complaining, angry, resentful on the back end. She sets out the rules from the start. "This is what I'd like to talk about, this is how long it'll take..."

Oh ho! So we have W. Cameron Bruce on one hand instructing us to be manipulative, irrational sex-hating prickteasing morons, and Terrence Real on the other telling us to be honest and direct and insist that men meet us halfway.

Who will win? Let's look at their bios and see!

Terrence Real, Author of How Can I Get Through to You? and I Don't Want to Talk About It.

W. Bruce Cameron is the author of How to Remodel a Man and 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter, which became the basis for the ABC sitcom.

Well, that answers that. But don't worry. When your husband starts sleeping with one of his co-workers because she likes sex and isn't constantly playing ridiculous mindgames, you can always run crying to Dr. Phil on page 42.
________________________
*All the magazines made her very happy. Especially Fangoria, to my surprise. I highly recommend this idea over a bouquet of flowers when visiting a new mom at the hospital. Although flowers are appreciated, too.

**That's what it says right there on the cover! They're not even trying to hide it!

***Dr. Phil even has a "Script of the Month," where he literally gives you speeches to memorize when asking your man to get his dick out of that hootchie he works with. Here's a sample:

You: I'd like you to help me with something. [me here. See how you can manipulate your man by pretending you need his "help" fixing a problem? According to the writers of Oprah, this works in almost any situation. It crops up again later in this post, too. Watch.] I'm not suggesting that you have done anything improper, but I have to tell you that I am uncomfortable with the closeness and constancy of your relationship with Jane.

See? All you have to do to communicate your feelings to your Caveman is to speak like stereo receiver instructions!

****Yes. A pie.

*****Again, yes. I wish I was kidding.

******Actual verbatim quote, page 326, by Russell Banks. A man. A man wrote that, and everybody gets their panties in a twist over Andrea Dworkin? Fifty bucks says you'll never see this pull quote added to any anti-feminist lists that float around the internet full of statements from feminists "proving" their hatred of men.