Ahoy There, Me Hearties! It Be Time for Ye Olde Contest Winners!

And they be salty dogs, one and all. The runners-up will be receiving Pirate movie t-shirts from the saucy wenches at Digital Playground, and the winnARRRR will be receiving the brand new Pirates movie, which, according to a review sent to me by blog reader Renee, answers the questions "that the Johnny Depp film left unanswered, such as, 'What does it look like when two girl pirates have sex with one boy pirate?'"

Originally I said there would be two runners-up, but I found an extra shirt, so now there are three. And here they are:

The first shirt goes to the One Good Thing cabin boy, Ralph, for his ability to combine a pirate joke with a urology joke, in response to my post where I admitted to not knowing any urology jokes:

A pirate walks into the urologists office with a severe limp. The nurse asks him to sign in and he scratches on the paper with his hook. The nurse says: "You don't need a urologist, you need to work on masterbating with your left hand."

The second t-shirt goes to deck swabber Jess, for being the first one in with this golden nugget of joy:

A pirate walks into a bar, and he's wearing a big belt buckle in the shape of a ship steering wheel.

The bartender says "hey, I really like your belt buckle"

The pirate replies "Arrrrr...its drivin' me nuts!"

The third t-shirt goes to First Mate Linda F. for her salty tale:

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my Red Shirt." The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, "Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle?" The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply.

Captain Bravo calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

And now, the captain of the crew, and the winner of the Pirates DVD Porn Spectacular: DM, for actually finding a statue of Jesus dressed as a pirate in a Portuguese church.

Now, most of the time these monthly contests are very close, but I have no doubt you all will agree it's very difficult to win a Best Pirate Joke contest when somebody busts out with Jesus in full pirate regalia. A Pirate Jesus created, apparently, without irony.

So congratulations, Captain DM. Have your crew report to my Inbox with their addresses as soon as possible.

And many thanks to all ye sailors who dared enter the contest. A hearty ARRRR to you all.