Iron Chef Meets American Idol.

The Contestants: Smussyolay, performing "Cheesy Potatoes." Jen, performing "Jackpot Casserole." Midwestern Deadbeat, performing "Chicken Pot Pie."

The judges: Three drunken Paula Abduls and many, many guest judges.

Who will triumph? Stay tuned for the exciting season finale of This Month's Contest!

After the judges had a brief meeting, discussing topics unrelated to the issues at hand, we chucked the kids out into the backyard and got to work, first tackling Jen's Jackpot Casserole. As you can see, the Jackpot Casserole got off to a slow start, distressing us with the disturbing visual image of raw meat and uncooked noodles. It was at this exact moment that the drinking began. But we bravely soldiered ahead, dumping in all the other ingredients that the recipe called for that I can't remember right now, exactly. A can of tomato soup, a can of creamed corn, some...sprinklings from the litter box and a shot of scotch, I can't remember. During this process, Orange and I did learn an important factoid: Almost all food looks better covered with cheese. We poured the Jackpot Casserole into a pyrex dish and put it in the oven, freeing ourselves up to focus on the next contestant, the Cheesy Potatoes.
("Make sure you get a picture of the different shades of white and gray we're dumping in there," said Orange.")

JT had very high hopes for the Cheesy Potatoes, but Orange and I had issues with the preparation. The recipe instructed us to mix the ingredients in the baking pan it was to be cooked in, even though it was clearly too shallow for a thorough mixing, and ingredients kept flipping over the sides and onto the counter. Plus, when the melted butter was added to the frozen potatoes, it instantly stiffened into an uncooperative, hardened mass. While we were toiling away, getting ready to put the finally-mixed cheesy potatoes in the oven, I looked out the window and saw a sixth little boy who did not belong to me, Orange, or JT.




It was my next door neighbor's boy, Kendall, who incorporated himself neatly into the festivies. A few moments later, just as the Jackpot Casserole was being taken out of the oven, my next door neighbor Brandon showed up, looking for Kendall, and agreed to become a judge in exchange for beer.




"It's not nasty," he said, "but it needs salt and hot sauce. If it had salt and hot sauce, I'd eat it for dinner."











The Jackpot Casserole had more enthusiastic fans in Orange's son Ben (It's super delicious!" he said), and Steve, who ate two bowls but refused to allow us to photograph him doing so, so you'll have to take my word for it.






While the Cheesy Potatoes were baking, we pulled out a cast iron skillet and began working on the Chicken Pot Pie, the recipe I had my fingers crossed for because it actually involved fresh chicken breasts and Veg-All, a cooking staple of my mother's, who served as Reluctant Chef in my family for years. Veg-All is a canned combination of carrots, corn, peas, and lima beans, that I'd forgotten all about. While I wouldn't say I was looking forward to reaquainting myself with it, I at least knew I could eat it.




All the obligatory canned Cream of Soups were added, and the chicken pot pie was covered with a quick biscuit dough before being put into the oven with the Cheesy Potatoes.













The children, after having caused a minimal amount of trouble in the backyard, began to get hungry and restless. Time for the presenting of the KIDS' CHOICE AWARD.

Congratulations to A Nut, for her Octopus Hotdog recipe. JT carefully cut tentacles onto the dogs, and they were served on a bed of ramen noodles that we dyed with green food coloring. Most of our kid judges flatly refused to have anything to do with the three finalists, but the Octopus Hotdogs hit a home run with 5 out of 6 judges. The 6th judge, JT's three-year-old, rejected the meal in favor of playing with toy cars on the floor, but everybody else gave it their enthusiastic approval.





















While the peanut gallery was busily chewing away, spilling their water glasses and demanding more Octopus Hotdogs, JT, Orange and I quickly prepared the Miss Congeniality Award for Best Dessert: Wolfa's Brownie Pie. There are no photographs of the Brownie Pie, because it was almost single-handedly devoured by Christopher before we could get the camera ready. But from the little I got to taste of it, I promise you it was delicious.

By now, about 4 1/2 hours had passed. The final timer went off. Everything was ready. We lined up the Jackpot Casserole with the Cheesy Potatoes and the Chicken Pot Pie, and the final judging began.
























































Judges' Results

Ben: Jackpot Casserole

Brandon: Cheesy Potatoes

JT: Chicken Pot Pie

Orange: Cheesy Potatoes

Me: Chicken Pot Pie

Steve: Jackpot Casserole

The rest of the judges: Refused to taste any of it.

That's right. That means the score was Jackpot Casserole - 2, Cheesy Potatoes - 2, and Chicken Pot Pie - 2. Despite a plea from Brandon before he tied Kendall's shoes, grabbed one last beer, and left, "Please, ladies, pick the Cheesy Potatoes!", we were unable to make a final decision. We sat around for an hour talked about the recent Rapists' Rights bill in South Dakota (we had no problem unanimously judging that it sucked), and awarded PZ Myers the PARENTS' CHOICE AWARD for his entry of "Pancakes." As PZ said in his entry:

Every few months, when I'm falling too far behind and am tired and don't have the oomph to put together something substantial for dinner, I just tell the kids it's Pancake Night. It's easy, I'm being lazy, but the thing is that we act as if it's an extra special treat or a reward for good behavior, and the kids are always like "Yay!" and doing little dances of joy.

If we have them, I might even toss a handful of chocolate chips into the batter. That's enough to win me Father of the Year awards and virtual godhood for a night. When they were younger I'd exert myself so much as to make Mickey Mouse pancakes -- pour one large one and two smaller ones for ears, use those chocolate chips to put on eyes and a nose -- and that would have them practically swooning at the table. They've kind of outgrown that now, although Pancake Night is still always treated as good news.

A guaranteed easy hit for tired parents, we feel, needs special acknowledgement. Plus you can add blueberries and lie to yourself that they're getting nutritious vitamin C.

It was getting late, the kids were getting tired, and we still had not come up with a tie-breaking decision. We had no choice but to call in the emergency tie-breakers, who made their decision with a swift assuredness that left no room for doubt.










































Upon inspection of the three plates given to the tie-breakers, the winner was undeniable.








Smussyolay's Cheesy Potatoes















Deadbeat Mama's Chicken Pot Pie















Jen's Jackpot Casserole













I'm afraid there's just no arguing with that. The winner of the Most Embarrassing Dinner is:

JEN'S JACKPOT CATSEROLE.

Congratulations, Jen! Your cat-approved dinner has won, if I can still find it in the garage, the much-hyped video "Fuck Your Way to Fitness," and this mildly disturbing prize that was sent to me as a free sample from one of my vendors, the Masagi Glass (not real glass) Vibrator.









And don't forget, our runners-up, Smussyolay and Midwestern Deadbeat, as well as our Parent's and Kids' Choice award winners, PZ Meyers and A Nut, AND the Miss Congeniality Award for Best Dessert, Wolfa, will all be receiving this glamorous consolation prize:


This concludes this month's contest. Congratulations to Jen, and to all our runners-up. Orange, JT, and I thank everyone who participated in the contest, and we hope to have provided you with many, many lazy dinners that you never admit to serving over and over. Winners and runners-up, please e-mail me your mailing address within the next few days to receive your prizes.
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Read Orange's take on the day here.