E-Mailbag: Very Special Guest Star Edition.


After I started the job at Big Machine, a certain adjustment time was needed, and your e-mails ended up getting the shaft for a very long time. But just when I thought all was lost, pow! two very special guest stars boarded the Love Boat and saved the day.

Your questions were turned over (anonymously, unless special circumstances came into play) to professional sex educator Andrea Nemerson. Andrea has been writing a sex advice column for years, is syndicated in several alt weeklies like the San Francisco Bay Guardian and Real Detroit Weekly, and has worked as a sex educator for about fifteen years, including training people to work in the beyond fabulous, can't-say-enough-good-things-about-it, San Francisco Sex Information. (As a quick pitch here, I know I've said it before, but these great people can always use your support. For years, they have offered highly educated, nonjudgmental advice in a country that has people actively trying to block a cure for cancer that appears in sexually active women. Because if you're a woman, it's better to die than to fuck.)

Andrea brought along fellow SFSI coworker and erotica writer Thomas Roche, and together they worked as a team to put your questions to bed, so to speak.

Lastly, please give Andrea a special round of applause and congratulations - she answered your questions while lying flat on her back in the hospital, waiting patiently until her twins decide to finish gestating and make their big world debut. That's how much she cares about your deep-throating questions.

And now, here's Andrea!

1.)About six weeks ago I bought my first rabbit from you,
and I LOVE it. ("My First Rabbit" - sounds like a
Judy Blume title, doesn't it?)

I had no idea how much I really bought into your
woman-friendly approach until I went to the Pleasure
Place here in DC to buy a dildo and couldn't make
myself get a single one. Why is it that all the
packaging on toys meant for my pleasure has to have a
faked woman on it? Like that would turn me on?

Anyway, I protested with my wallet and did not end up
getting the dildo, but now I still have no dildo, so I
thought I would come back and ask you for
recommendations. Particularly as your site is down.
(What, Illinois has shit telecommunications? Never
say so!*) Basically, never having bought one, what
are the qualities I should be looking for in my new
friend?

What, they didn't have any of those boxes where a well-groomed MILF-type holds the toy up to her neck or cheek while her eyes close and her mouth drops open in inexplicable ecstasy? I guess not-- those pics are generally found on "therapeutic massagers," and the like, not static space-fillers like dildos or butt-plugs, but I've always gotten a kick out of them.

OK, so what's bugging you is the big-haired, big-boobed, bleached, shaved, and shiny-mouthed porn starlets on the dildo boxes, who are clearly there to attract a certain sort of male interest and purchasing power? I can sorta see your point, but then again, it's OK with you if men buy dildos too, right? So it's more a sort of "hostile atmosphere" problem, where you feel a little threatened by the aggressive sleaziness of the packaging? Despite my nearly irresistible urge to snap, "Butch it up, babe" and leave it at that, it's clear that a lot of women do mind sleazy marketing, hence the many many jobs for many many of my friends at many many woman-owned clean, well-lighted places for sex toys over the years. If that's the sort of atmosphere you prefer (and I get it, I really do-- I was just yanking your chain) and you can't find one in your area, just hop online and read up at one of the places (Babeland, Blowfish, or Good Vibrations) that have extensive descriptions, recommendations, and even in-house reviews of every product on the premises. (And then, of course, buy from Flea if her magic garage sale still has you want.) Be prepared to spend some money (silicone outperforms latex and jelly rubber by nearly every measure, for instance, but if you want it you're gonna pay). You don't need to drop the bucks right out of the gate, though. Unless you're positively set on a certain shape (Corn Goddess! Buck Rogers Ray-gun!) or know for a fact that the "Mr. Big Stuff" model is the one for you, consider buying some cheaper disposables and experimenting.

So far so good but you're still wondering why those bimbos are gasping fake-orgasmically all over the box for a toy you plan to use for your own special secret female purposes? Heck if I know. I do know people in the business, though, so I passed your question on to my friend, the writer and anthologist Thomas Roche, who currently edits Eros-Zine but has more than paid his dues flacking sex toys for the manufacturers of exactly the sort of goods you're wondering about, as well as at Good Vibrations, the grandmama of all non-threatening feminist pussy-toy emporia. Here's his (typically crass and cranky, God love him) answer:

I have no idea what the people who design sex toy packaging for the 'big four' are thinking, but I can take a wild guess. There are ten bazillion of these friggin' products released every ten minutes. I suspect the packaging designers are given vast folders of digital clip art bought en masse from porno houses and have like fifteen minutes to design each package based on a small selection of templates that don't change much.

I suspect that the majority of people, when they go to buy a sex toy, are less concerned with the packaging than with the fact that they are buying a sex toy. People in the "alternative" sexuality market are fond of expressing outrage and bewilderment that the adult industry doesn't cater more to the needs of whoever they think the companies aren't catering to, but successful businesses tend to do things based on the bottom line, and if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Therefore, I can only assume that this packaging moves product. I don't like it any better than anyone else does, and I have no idea who's "supposed" to buy it, but they sure buy a lot of it.

Smaller manufacturers and boutique shops are much better about coming up with tasteful packaging (and also tend to offer higher quality product) but having been to so-called "boutiques" all over the country, I can say that most of those smaller shops stock the same tastelessly-packaged dildos as the porn shops, though that is starting to change.
Crankily, Thomas

Thanks, Thomas, and good luck, O Dildo Seeker. Buy American!


-Andrea




2.) Do you know of, or can you recommend, a Honeysuckle-style shop in the
greater Los Angeles vicinity? My mom was talking about how she and her
friends were going to go shopping for new "toys", and I referred her to your
site but she said she wanted to go someplace in person.

L.A. has no dearth of sex shoppes, but most of them are....well, you know
how most of them are.

Oh, I can imagine how most of them are, although I personally avoid L.A. like the tarpit it is and couldn't begin to tell you where to look there. Except, of course, I can: the most excellent women who brought us Toys In Babeland (winner: best sex toy store name, although Grand Opening gives it a serious run for the money, don't you think?) in Seattle and later in NYC opened a branch there last year. You, or your mom, or whoever's doing the driving down there (shudder) will have to figure out how to get there, but here you go:

7007 Melrose Avenue (east of La Brea)
Los Angeles, CA 90038
Mon-Sat 12 noon-8pm (12-6 Sun)
(323) 634-9480

You can tell 'em I sent ya. I'll be here rocking and muttering "Nononononono" at the thought of getting involved in any dildo-shopping events involving my mother and her artsy/chic East Coast friends, but never mind me and bless you for taking this on for Mom. You're a better woman than I am.
-Andrea


3.) I have a question about getting past my gag reflex while giving blow jobs. I have no idea what's the best way to practice this. I've tried
bananas, but honestly that was just weird. I never bothered trying to deep throat my ex because he was happy with a hand-job. The new boyfriend has expressed much interest in it, and I think trying to deep throat without practice first would be really awful. Any books on this? Recommended dildos? Anything?


Indeed, but first let’s get our terms straight: are you conflating the standard-issue blow job with the X-treme sport called “deep throating,” (taking the penis all the way into the throat), or has the boyfriend specifically requested the latter? “Deep throating” has long had its place in the lexicon but it has not and ought not replace “blow job,” giving head,” or “going down on.” They are not at all the same thing.

If all you two are interested in is mouth-penis contact, you shouldn’t need a textbook or a night of, you should pardon the expression, “cramming.” You can practice a bit with nothing fancier or more banana-flavored than your own finger or a popsicle stick, just to determine how far back you can tolerate an oral foreign body before you need to expel it/back away from it. It does get easier with practice. Once you graduate to the real thing you will find that the more control you take over the process (you do the moving, he just lies there being happy he has a penis), the less gaggy you will feel. If it still feels overly intrusive or out of control, wrap your hand (spit into it generously first, as though sealing a bargain) around the base and move this in concert with your mouth. Some men can easily detect the difference but many don’t care-- friction is friction, after all, and warm, wet, and deep are usually good enough without having to get all picky about it. Most men enjoy a blow job, period, and few-- I cannot say “none,” but let’s not get distracted by the corner cases-- get off on making girls gag or produce involuntary Roman showers.

If you can imagine yourself practicing on a dildo and not immediately collapse in giggles you’re ahead of the game and I give you my blessing. Buy something realistically sized and inexpensive (jelly rubber, probably), pretend it’s attached to your boyfriend (the sillier the color the harder this is to carry off, I imagine) and see how deep, fast, and et cetera you can go without gagging. Keeping your neck straight and head slightly back are supposed to help, although the often-recommended lie-on-your-back-with-your-head-off-the-edge-of-the-bed position strikes me as ill-advised at best, since we are trying to avoid panic here and what could be more panic-inducing than having your airway and vocal capability cut off while somebody straddles your chest? Try lying prone or crouching, with the dildo upright as though projecting jauntily from your boyfriend’s pelvis as he lies on his back, and practice opening your throat as though chugging a beer or saying “Aah.” You may find, in time, that you really can control your gag reflex. The feedback provided by a real live boyfriend, though, in the form of appreciative gasps and groans, is a motivator the likes of which mere plastic, no matter how colorful, will never achieve. Not, at any rate, with today’s technology, androids and Replicants not yet having started rolling off the assembly lines and into our toy-boxes.

Faking it with inanimate objects will only get you so far; if you really want to learn you’re going to have to try it on the real thing. I don’t know your boyfriend but I bet he’d be game for a little experimentation. Just make sure that the session is approached as an experiment, and that neither of you brings to it unrealistic expectations of immediate, spectacular success. Nobody’s born knowing how to do this sort of thing, at least not until those Replicants get here.

If you two get this far and wish to-- oh, heck, there’s no better way to put this-- go little deeper, there is good information to be found in instructional videos/DVDs like the ones Nina Hartley puts out, or books such as Violet Blue’s The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio, which contains nifty tips like how to keep your lipstick perfect throughout, as well as yes, bona fide deep-throating techniques if that’s really what you wanted. I think deep throating is overrated, myself, but then I only borrow a penis and ought to defer here to those who possess them full-time.

One last word of warning: yes, there can be a somewhat unpleasant surprise at the end of a successful blow job. Inform him that he is responsible for early warning and withdrawal, no “whoopsies” allowed. This probably ought to be considered nonnegotiable at the beginning, subject to later review.

__________________

It's me again, answering a few things from the Inbox that don't involve semen. Andrea will be back next time answering...two more questions, I think, provided she isn't selfishly preoccupied with giving birth.

Thank you, Andrea!

When that Cars movie came out last week, starring my ex-boyfriend Owen Wilson, I got approximately 316 e-mails advising me that 1.) Hey! It's Owen! and 2.) Hey! It's Owen on Route 66!

I know! We saw it last Saturday, and it's actually somewhat entertaining from an adult perspective. And from a little boy's perspective, it is, and I quote, "TOTALLY AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I do have one question, however: If there are no more people and the world is totally taken over by cars, why are crops still being grown? They're not fueling themselves with Ethanol, they made that pretty clear. But whatever.

Also, I mentioned last week that Alex was heavily into a book of poetry with an accompanying cd, but was too lazy to get up and check the title. This resulting in a few e-mails asking me for it. Here it is:



It's called Poetry Speaks to Children, edited by Elise Paschen. 2005, by Sourcebooks. It features "The First Book," read by Rita Dove, "Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening," read by Robert Frost, "The Adventures of Isabel" read by that notorious grump Ogden Nash, and a lot more.

Lastly, here's the question I can't answer, so I'm turning it over to all of you:

i'm buying a gift for my boss' wife's baby shower, and i decided, to get them some books for the baby. probably 'pat the bunny,' and then a picture book or two. i'd love to get books i remember loving from my childhood, and there's one whose title i cannot remember. google and amazon searches with all combinations of keywords turned up nothing. on the off-chance you know the book - it's about a classroom's pet bunny, named harry, who one day runs away. or is lost. the kids eventually find harry hiding and nested (i think the kids' personal affects had been disappearing - harry had stolen them to build this nest, maybe) out under a sink - turns out harry's a lady-rabbit, and is pregnant. they rename him harriet, and that's that. sounds like such an odd story. but i loved loved loved this book, and cannot find its name. (my mother's suggestion of "harry" is, sadly, wrong.) any help?


That's it for this edition of the e-mailbag. Thanks again to Andrea, and to Eric Zorn for the tasteful photo of the gummy bears having butt sex.