Contest Finalists: Get Your Vote On.

I had to bail on the contest. I narrowed it down to 24 finalists before I hit the wall, and was absolutely not able to pare it down anymore. This was the funniest contest ever. I really didn't think there would be a tale of woe worse than my neighbor's I HAVE A POCKET! story.

I was wrong.

For the past week, Steve and I have been dying over these stories. Thanks to everybody who entered, and to everybody who linked to the contest who spawned story threads of their own.

In the end, I had to trade places with Steve. I went upstairs and gave the kids a bath, and he stayed downstairs and picked the final twelve. Before I list them, I have a small consolation prize for all the parents out there whose three-year-old pooped in her hands and put it into the collection plate at church: at least your story didn't make national news.

Okay, here we go. I am very, very grateful to turn the voting over to everybody else. The twelve finalists are:

1.) The Unshaven, on Commando Patrol

I've remembered something my youngest brother did when he was three. We were in a swanky area of
town outside a cafe waiting to cross the street. He was behaving himself by sitting on the ground and playing
with a truck. A waitress in a hurry stepped over him. He got this look of concern on his face, toddled over to
where she was serving a group of men her age and asked seriously, "Why aren't you wearing any underpants?"

She fled. He nearly went after her, still curious and worried.



2.) WordDance, with the Rule Enforcer:

When I was about 3, my mother was a mahjong junkie and I heard much banter about her game nights at the dinner table.

The next night my mom hosted a game at our house. When one of the players arrived a bit early, I answered the door and announced, "Mommy, the cheater is here!!"

I don't remember my mom's reaction, but I'm sure she was mortified.



3.) Lea, with It's Not a Box of Crackerjacks

During a moment of silence at the graveside services for my husband's granny,
my 5 year old yelled out "hey - what's in the box?" I had to pretend to be bent over with mortification
but HA - I was really trying to keep myself from laughing out loud.



4.) wwwmama with the Jesus Coaster:


When my sister was little in church one day, she swung rosary beads round and round and yelled out
at a quiet moment: "hang on jesus! you're going for a ride!"

5.) Janny Dare and her Damn Jellybeans


It was a few days after Easter when two of my friends dropped by my home to visit.
My two year old and I had been working on going on the potty and she was pretty good about
it except for putting her pants back on.My friends and I were in my kitchen when she came out
of the bathroom with her shirt and underwear on,I was cooking so at first I didn't notice anything
wrong.All of a sudden one of my friends is going "what's wrong with her leg" and I look and there's
a rainbow of colors coming from her crotch down her leg.What the hell? I'm asking her what that is
and she keeps telling me candy.Finally figured out she stuck jelly beans up her wussy not one but
quite a few,I'm freaking and my friends are hysterically laughing so hard they were rolling on the floor.
It really wasn't funny,and how the hell am I going to get them out? We tried holding her up under her
armpits and kind of lifting her up and down hoping they'd fall out but it didn't work.I didn't want to
physically remove them,that seemed gross and like I said the friends were no help.I finally told her if she
didn't get those jellybeans out the Easter Bunny would never come again,no candy,basket,eggs,nothing.
It worked and she never did anything like that again thank God.She got married a few years ago and while
everyone was throwing rice,these same two friends of mine threw jellybeans.You got to love them.

6.) arasaig and her Drinking Problem

Okay, keep in mind, I am not a drinker, once in a while I have a beer, 1, and thats it. So we are in line buying
groceries for a party when my son, who was about 3, turns around and sees a six-pack of Coronas in the basket.
His eyes welled up, his bottom lip started to quiver and he says, 'oh no mommy, please don't buy that, I hate it when you drink'
Everyone in hearing distance turned around and glared at me...



7.) Sasha and the Blowjob

Son had recently interrupted a bit of mom-on-dad oral action. He brought it up Sunday morning in line at the bagel store with his dad:

"Daddy, remember that one time, when you were PEEING IN MOMMY'S MOUTH?"


8.) Nora and the Cast of Equus

A friend's daughter once emerged from the bathroom while mom, dad, and mixed company
were playing cards at the dining room table. She was completely naked except for a string of toilet paper
coming out of her butt, yelling "Look! I'm a horse!"

9.) Beth and Our Bodies, Ourselves

When I was a Big Sister, my six-year-old Little Sister and I went to the mall on one of our outings.
It was early in our relationship and she was still figuring out whether or not she liked me (eventually she
decided she did!), so she usually walked a bit away from me. The parking garage was pretty busy that day, so
I asked her to hold my hand. She refused, and wandered into the oncoming traffic, so I just grabbed her hand
and went for the escalator. At that point, she started screaming, "Don't touch me! It's my body! DON'T TOUCH ME! IT'S MY BODY!"
and continued to do so all the way up the escalator. Yeah, that didn't turn people's heads at all.



10.) Sage, who should have stuck with the Yogurt Remedy

Most embarrassing: I needed to run a quick errand, and asked a neighbour to watch the kids. She came
over with a friend. When I got home, I found my yeast-medication applicators - used - on the kitchen counter.
My kids had found them in my bedroom garbage and brought them down to show everybody!



11.) BitchPhD and her Slippery Nipples

A few years ago, we owned a fixer-upper and luckily happened to have a journeyman electrician
living right across the street. He was young and quite a hottie. Anyhoo, one hot July day he was over doing
some electrical work for us in the kitchen. I've just finished asking him if he'd like a beer when he's done and PK says, "it sure is hot, isn't it?"
"Yep," electrician guy and I say.
PK continues: "It's so hot Mama's nipples are melting!"

I have no idea where that came from, but of course electrician neighbor had no way of knowing that. And I wasn't going to explain,
because he and I were both turning red, averting our eyes, and struggling not to laugh.



12.) Amanda Marcotte and All That Blood.



My aunt got her period suddenly and it got on her underwear so she had them soaking in the sink.
My cousin, who was like 5, grabs them out of the sink when he discovers them and ran out in front of his dad and all his football friends,
showed them off, and said, "Something is seriously wrong with Mom." Which is also kind of sweet, now that I think about it.