Contest Winner: Dubious Claim of Most Humiliating Child.

I was upstairs a few weeks ago, cleaning out my closet when I came across a framed painting done by my former neighbor's arty mother. My neighbor knew I liked her mother's work, and had given me one of her paintings for a birthday present several years ago. Which got me to thinking about them, and the thought popped into my head about their daughter with the groovy built-in pocket (sorry, Metafilter people, but I didn't steal the story from a chain email that was sent around three years ago. It's the real deal.)

From that I got the idea to blog about it, adding the contest as an afterthought. The next thing that happened was it got picked up by not only the skeptics at Metafilter, but also bloggers and posters at Cruel, the Salon forums, Nancy Nall, Pharyngula, dozens of LJs and many bulletin boards from parenting forums to, I swear, an internet forum for Aerosmith fans.

As a result, I have no idea who most of the entrants are, and I suspect most of them have no idea what they'd be winning in a contest run by me. I don't want to horrify anybody with the prize I send them. You know how sensitive those Aerosmith fans can be.

So. In light of this, I'm giving the winners options of the kind of prize they'd like to receive.

This Prize Has Been Rated G: Winners will receive a bath product from Cake Beauty or Steve's House of Charm.

This Prize Has Been Rated PG Winners will receive a racier bath product from Blue Q, from their Wash Away Your Sins, Virgin/Slut, or Dirty Girl collection. Or maybe a head-scratchy thing that people seem to love.

This Prize Has Been Rated R Winners will receive either a book of erotica by Anais Nin, or a Kama Sutra massage product.

This Prize Has Been Rated NC-17 Don't ask for it unless you mean it.

Honorable Mention Winners: These are people who didn't make the finals, but I loved them anyway:

Best Retort: elle, for

We were in the ladies changing room, and I could see him eyeballing a somewhat Rubenesque lady who had just come out of the shower. Naked. He marches right up to her, and says in his loudest voice,
"Why are you SO FAT??"
I of course wanted to die, but to her eternal credit this woman turned to my boy with great dignity and said
"Because I eat too many little boys" and swanked off. That sure shut him up.

Most Complaints from Readers That It Didn't Make the Finals: Cobwebs, for

Happened to a divorced friend of mine: She was having a small dinner party, and her five-year-old daughter came dancing out with her vibrator, which she had dressed in Barbie clothes.

Poor Dad: Ev, for

When our kids were toddlers, their father used to say, "you'd better be good, or I'll have to beat you with a big stick."

One day, they were acting up in Wal-Mart, and my daughter knew she was soooo busted. She looked at her dad and said, "Daddy! Don't beat me with your big dick!"

Most Precocious Use of Profanity: Nita, for

me: I need some new crayons. None of these are sharp. I like sharp crayons.
teach: We can't always have new ones. Sometimes you have to use old ones.
me: Are you fucking kidding me?

Best Retro Entry: Maya's Granny, because this one could have gotten her fired back in the day:

At 6 [my daughter] shouted out from our front door to her best friend across the street, just as the mothers of every child I taught that year were coming out of the library we lived next to, "No, you don't either have to be a virgin to get married. My mother says she wasn't."

And finally, the Most Crushing Blow to Self-Esteem: Christy, for

My son to his dad:

"Daddy, my pee-pee is just too big. I need a smaller pee-pee. A smaller one like yours, daddy."

The Winners

Third Place: to Sasha. Congratulations! Your willingness to perform oral sex has paid off!

Son had recently interrupted a bit of mom-on-dad oral action. He brought it up Sunday morning in line at the bagel store with his dad:

"Daddy, remember that one time, when you were PEEING IN MOMMY'S MOUTH?"

Second Place: to wwwmama. May your prize be worth the price of your sister burning in hell.

When my sister was little in church one day, she swung rosary beads round and round and yelled out
at a quiet moment: "hang on jesus! you're going for a ride!"

And the grand prize goes to:

Janny Dare and the Jellybeans!!!!!

Congratulations, Janny Dare. It is official: You have the most embarrassing child on the Internets. I will try to send you a prize that almost makes up for having to fish around in your daughter's vagina for Easter candy.

It was a few days after Easter when two of my friends dropped by my home to visit.
My two year old and I had been working on going on the potty and she was pretty good about it except for putting her pants back on.My friends and I were in my kitchen when she came out of the bathroom with her shirt and underwear on,I was cooking so at first I didn't notice anything wrong.All of a sudden one of my friends is going "what's wrong with her leg" and I look and there's a rainbow of colors coming from her crotch down her leg.What the hell? I'm asking her what that is and she keeps telling me candy.Finally figured out she stuck jelly beans up her wussy not one but
quite a few,I'm freaking and my friends are hysterically laughing so hard they were rolling on the floor.
It really wasn't funny,and how the hell am I going to get them out? We tried holding her up under her armpits and kind of lifting her up and down hoping they'd fall out but it didn't work.I didn't want to physically remove them,that seemed gross and like I said the friends were no help.I finally told her if she didn't get those jellybeans out the Easter Bunny would never come again,no candy,basket,eggs,nothing. It worked and she never did anything like that again thank God.She got married a few years ago and while everyone was throwing rice,these same two friends of mine threw jellybeans.You got to love them.

Congratulations to all our prize winners, and a million thanks to everybody who emailed the link to their friends, linked to it on their blogs or bulletin boards, and participated in the contest. This has been the most fun contest ever.

ALL PRIZE WINNERS! EMAIL ME YOUR ADDRESS AND MPAA RATING PRIZE PREFERENCE, AND I WILL GET YOUR PRIZE OUT TO YOU EARLY NEXT WEEK VIA USPS. ANY INTERNATIONAL WINNERS WILL GET THEIR PRIZE WITHIN 4-6 WEEKS.