Random Product Review: Fruchtgummi In Penisform.
Steve called me this morning on his way home from the post office.
"Are you expecting something from overseas?" he asked. Something heavy and metallic and rattles around?"
"As a matter of fact, I am," I said. "Bring it on, and quickly!"
Last week I'd received an offer of a free sample from Brylka Erotic Foods, a German company interested in finding toy stores willing to carry their latest product, the Fruildo.
As you can see, the container is made of metal, and the top had popped off in transit, causing the rattling that made Steve think swarms of German terrorists were gunning for our store and our very selves.
The package was bright blue and looked like a shoebox, with some German words written on it, probably something like "this here is a box." This is not even remotely important; it's just that German is a really fun language to use for shouting at people, no matter what's actually being said. I just wanted to give you the opportunity to yell HIER PAKETSCHEING AUFKLEBEN! at your cat or whoever else may be in the room with you.
It's really quite cathartic.
The Fruildo is an 8" dildo made entirely out of candy. If they ever make a porno featuring a pack of sexually rapacious Gummi Bears, and let's face it, it's just a matter of time until they do, the Fruildo is going to be what they use for the business end of the bear.
Although I obviously don't read German, the ingredients label was easy enough to decipher. In German, short words are often strung together to make longer words, such as Wagner's Gotterdammerung, or "Twilight of the Gods." Awesomely, the Fruildo company has done this with its English description of the Fruildo as well, referring to it on the ingredients label as "Fruchtgummi in Penisform."
The main ingredients of the Penisform are, of course, Glukosesirup, Zucker, Wasser, and Gelatine, or Corn Syrup, Sugar, Water, and Gelatin, so my observant Muslim, Jewish, or vegan readers should abstain from any fruchtgummi shenanigans. And due to the massive amounts of sugar, everyone else should abstain from inserting it vaginally. Sugary products in the vagina can throw off the balance of the ecosystem you have going on in there, leading to excessive bacteria, which can lead to infection, and the next thing you know you're in Yeast Infectionland, the world's worst vacation spot.
The intended use for the Fruildo, then, is for ein blöjob. I thought I could avoid actually doing this to test it, so I went into the kitchen and cut off a slice at the end of it.
This was a terrible idea. First of all, the Fruildo did not take kindly to being sawed into bits, and I had to yank a serrated bread knife across it to cut a piece off, and even then I ended up having to pull it apart. Then I ate it. Also a terrible idea. The Fruildo is clearly not intended to be sliced into ladylike bite sizes and consumed that way.
There was nothing for it, so, and I hope you're happy at the level of commitment I'm providing for you here, I blew the damn thing while Steve was in the next room arguing with a client.
Let's compare his job and mine, shall we?
And no, I did not take photos of this, a fact for which you can all be grateful. Anyway, when used as intended, things improved dramatically on all levels, flavor, texture, and entertainment-wise, and now I can see if, say, you're teaching ein blöjob class at your women-owned and operated toy store, the Fruildo can be a fun teaching tool, not to mention whatever Gummi Bear penisform scenario you and a loved one can dream up, do, and never email me about.
The Fruildo retails for $15.00, which is, unfortunately, a bit more than what it's worth paying. With all the preservatives packed into it as well as the airtight plastic packaging it's sealed in, the Fruildo has a shelf life of about 12 months.
I tested the red Fruildo, but as you can see, the gold one is still sealed in its packaging. The first person to email me about it can have it. You are under no obligation to report your findings back to the rest of the class.
"Are you expecting something from overseas?" he asked. Something heavy and metallic and rattles around?"
"As a matter of fact, I am," I said. "Bring it on, and quickly!"
Last week I'd received an offer of a free sample from Brylka Erotic Foods, a German company interested in finding toy stores willing to carry their latest product, the Fruildo.
As you can see, the container is made of metal, and the top had popped off in transit, causing the rattling that made Steve think swarms of German terrorists were gunning for our store and our very selves.
The package was bright blue and looked like a shoebox, with some German words written on it, probably something like "this here is a box." This is not even remotely important; it's just that German is a really fun language to use for shouting at people, no matter what's actually being said. I just wanted to give you the opportunity to yell HIER PAKETSCHEING AUFKLEBEN! at your cat or whoever else may be in the room with you.
It's really quite cathartic.
The Fruildo is an 8" dildo made entirely out of candy. If they ever make a porno featuring a pack of sexually rapacious Gummi Bears, and let's face it, it's just a matter of time until they do, the Fruildo is going to be what they use for the business end of the bear.
Although I obviously don't read German, the ingredients label was easy enough to decipher. In German, short words are often strung together to make longer words, such as Wagner's Gotterdammerung, or "Twilight of the Gods." Awesomely, the Fruildo company has done this with its English description of the Fruildo as well, referring to it on the ingredients label as "Fruchtgummi in Penisform."
The main ingredients of the Penisform are, of course, Glukosesirup, Zucker, Wasser, and Gelatine, or Corn Syrup, Sugar, Water, and Gelatin, so my observant Muslim, Jewish, or vegan readers should abstain from any fruchtgummi shenanigans. And due to the massive amounts of sugar, everyone else should abstain from inserting it vaginally. Sugary products in the vagina can throw off the balance of the ecosystem you have going on in there, leading to excessive bacteria, which can lead to infection, and the next thing you know you're in Yeast Infectionland, the world's worst vacation spot.
The intended use for the Fruildo, then, is for ein blöjob. I thought I could avoid actually doing this to test it, so I went into the kitchen and cut off a slice at the end of it.
This was a terrible idea. First of all, the Fruildo did not take kindly to being sawed into bits, and I had to yank a serrated bread knife across it to cut a piece off, and even then I ended up having to pull it apart. Then I ate it. Also a terrible idea. The Fruildo is clearly not intended to be sliced into ladylike bite sizes and consumed that way.
There was nothing for it, so, and I hope you're happy at the level of commitment I'm providing for you here, I blew the damn thing while Steve was in the next room arguing with a client.
Let's compare his job and mine, shall we?
And no, I did not take photos of this, a fact for which you can all be grateful. Anyway, when used as intended, things improved dramatically on all levels, flavor, texture, and entertainment-wise, and now I can see if, say, you're teaching ein blöjob class at your women-owned and operated toy store, the Fruildo can be a fun teaching tool, not to mention whatever Gummi Bear penisform scenario you and a loved one can dream up, do, and never email me about.
The Fruildo retails for $15.00, which is, unfortunately, a bit more than what it's worth paying. With all the preservatives packed into it as well as the airtight plastic packaging it's sealed in, the Fruildo has a shelf life of about 12 months.
I tested the red Fruildo, but as you can see, the gold one is still sealed in its packaging. The first person to email me about it can have it. You are under no obligation to report your findings back to the rest of the class.
posted by flea at 9/25/2007 11:43:00 AM
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