The Great Bird's Nest Controversy.

Is there any better teaching tool for lazy mothers than a conveniently located bird's nest? Probably, but I don't feel like looking for anything else right now.

At Christopher's preschool a little brown bird stupidly decided that the ledge over the front door of a building that houses hundreds of tiny, shrill, highly excitable people would be an ideal place for the peace and quiet one needs to gestate one's young.

I've seen better choices made by birds. For example, a similar bird picked our gas grill one summer, hopping in and out through a small vent in the front. When we got around to opening the grill, we were very surprised to see that it had been totally regentrified with grass and twigs and gray downy feathers and a finished basement under the grilling rack with a pool table and a wet bar. Because of the higher property values and bling from the all the new yuppie birds, there was a noticeable drop in birdseed theft by rogue squirrels, but all the other, broke birds in our yard weren't able to enjoy the decrease in crime, because they could no longer afford to live there, and had to leave. Perhaps coincidentally, our own real estate taxes went up that year as well.

But this bird didn't have the knack for rehabbing, so she sat up there every day, looking all offended and slightly outraged when anyone took notice. Which of course everyone did, because it's a fucking daycare and what do you expect when you put teachers and mothers in close proximity to bird eggs? We were a lot more excited about the nest than the kids were, I think. We were all LOOK LOOK IT'S A BIRD SITTING ON HER EGGS!! ISN'T THAT EXCITING? but truthfully, the kids get way more excited when the lunch lady serves Oreos at snack time.

Nevertheless, we crazy ladies all persevered in making big plans about the nest, and the babies, and one teacher had dibs to bring the nest to her class when it had been vacated and there were probably field trips to the front door planned when the eggs hatched. We watched that nest every single day.

Imagine my horror when Chris and I showed up one day and the nest had vanished. Gone. Totally gone, not a single twig left behind. I went running up to the front desk.

"Where's the nest!" I panicked. Christopher kept walking to class; he didn't give a damn. I was distraught. One of the school administrators was equally dismayed.

"We don't know!" she wailed. "We got here at six and it just wasn't there! We don't know what happened. We didn't do it!"

It was a mystery. Birds nests are abandoned, typically, but unless movers are hired the nest generally stays behind when the babies fly away. Even if the eggs had hatched, which I didn't think they had, the babies certainly wouldn't have been capable of flight that soon.

Three weeks went by, and then, suddenly, the bird's nest was back. Weird!

I went back up to the front desk (again, Christopher could not have cared less) to ???? at the administrators.

It turns out one of the parents moved the bird nest because, and I quote one of the angry teachers here, "He said it was in his way."

In his way? In his way!

The nest was eight feet up and in a remote corner of the front area. Even Kareem Abdul Jabbar would have no problem during drop off and pick up. He could just use the doors on the other side of the entry way. This is one of these crazy making rationalizations, because it makes no sense on any level. This is one of these statements that is so obviously untrue the statement makes you even more angry than the actual crime. It's infuriatingly similar to a man who says, "I didn't do it" when he gets caught in bed with another woman, and his wife has not only walked in on them, but has also taken photographs clearly showing the unique birthmark on his penis that looks exactly like Hawaii.

It is not! In your way! It is not! It just isn't! Admit it, damn you!

So what happened to the nest, you ask? Well, he put it behind a shrub. On the ground.

"Well," I spluttered, "did he at least leave a Post-It note for the mother bird, explaining where her babies went? How's she supposed to know where he moved the nest to?"

"It gets worse," said the teacher.

"How?" I said.

"There are a lot of raccoons around here," she said.

If this is not negligent homicide or involuntary manslaughter, then I don't know what. I demanded justice.

By now the school administrator had joined in and assured me that justice was indeed served. "We really let him have it," she said. "He said he was careful and didn't touch the nest with his bare hands."

"I'm sure the raccoons appreciated the distinct lack of human scent on the eggs before they ate them," I said.

And just to add insult to injury, the next morning he put the nest back.

Too late now! Now the nest is just a murder house, and nobody wants to live near a murder house and have to look at it every day.

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Update: Here is a video I found of a raccoon stealing a floor mat. Perhaps birds aren't the only ones with fancy houses.